Prayer

I'm beginning to think that my biggest problem with Christianity (or rather, in the practice of it) is my lack of a prayer life. Prayer is one of those things I'm having a very difficult time understanding. Now, that's not to say I don't understand the necessity for it - given the things I believe, I must be insane NOT to pray regularly. I believe that a man named Jesus was both God and the son of God, and was, as he stated, there when the world was made. I believe he was crucified, rose again and ascended into heaven. And I don't mean those things in some sort of "spiritual" way; I am quite convinced that these are facts, that they actually happened in history. Personally, if I didn't believe these things, there's no way I could be a Christian. If the resurrection was just some sort of spiritual event in the minds of Jesus' most ardent followers, then, to paraphrase Paul, we are still in our sins (1 Corinthians 15:17). Therefore, I have to believe that God is working in the world, has shown his power in the world, and communes with his followers. Jesus was very clear on these facts, and in fact showed us the prayer we are to pray (the "Our Father" prayer).

And yet for some reason I still find something so difficult about prayer. I did spend a week trying to spend 30 minutes a day communing with God - this men's group I attend on Tuesdays challenged one another to do it. Without the promise to my fellows that I would do so, however, I stopped doing it after that week. I find it so difficult to keep one thought in my head, to focus on just abiding in the presence of God. I think part of it is the modern world - I am always flitting about the internet from one site to the next, doing some e-mail, reading an article on the Green Bay Packers, jumping over to my favorite blog (Andrew Sullivan's The Dish, for anyone who might be curious). That said, I used to occasionally play the same video game for as much as 8 hours straight. Or practice my cello for several hours at a go (back when I was more motivated to do such things). Or today, I regularly read the same book for hours on end. And yet prayer is elusive.

I often find myself suddenly feeling prayerful when I am feeling desperate, especially about finances (happens frequently). Or sometimes, on a more altruistic note, when I see someone or read about someone experiencing great pain or need. In other words, right now prayer seems to be stemming from a response to the immediacy of the world. And I'm not saying that this factor invalidates it in any way - indeed I see it as a welcome sign of my growing reliance on God to provide me with the resources to get by in a difficult, stressful city. And yet, there's something ultimately unfulfilling about a prayer life that is strictly based on need, and not on a desire to experience communion with the God who made me.

I've heard some say that it's like exercise - very hard at first, but the more you do it, the more you find you don't want to be without it. But I find that like many such things that require constant discipline, ardent resolutions to begin the difficult journey are quickly forgotten as the cares and distractions of the world settle back into their appointed spaces. I find that attempting to find discipline in my life is very difficult - at first I thought it was just a matter of removing the pointless distractions, such as video games and movies. But new ones quickly move in, maybe slightly less pointless but still shunting a mature prayer life to the side.